Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
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Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
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Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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