I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
