so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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