need another drink. this is the easiest way
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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