I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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