I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
