it wasn't lemon gatorade
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
