So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
well I can't set my house on fire every night
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I wish you could order shots online.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Omg I joined a choir last night...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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