His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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