i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
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It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
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FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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