is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
