lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
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I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
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He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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