Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
