I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
