Are we in a gay sports bar?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
