come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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