Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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