he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
