vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
