i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Who died my cat blue again?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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