Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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