You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
