Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
