I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
