My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
