This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
