Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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