who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
