so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
