Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
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Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
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oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
its like you know when i get waxed
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.