please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
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At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
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I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way