i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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