They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me