So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
