can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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