census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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