Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
