happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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