I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
