Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
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