ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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