Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
