Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
