I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
