there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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