I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
