then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
