You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
