I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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