he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
