This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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