just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
