I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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