i just google imaged poop.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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