I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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