Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
