Where is the hickey?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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