Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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