I'm so fucking centered right now
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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