Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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